Posted on by michaelshainline

Are You Christian Enough?

We know you’re going to Heaven. After all, you’re reading this post. But what about all those people you shared a Thanksgiving table with? Sure, they all said they were Christians, but there have been so many Revelations since 2016 that we now know so much more about what it takes to please Jesus than we did before. Here’s a little quiz you can use to gauge what the chances are of those who sat with you at that most American of holidays to meet the Lord’s criteria. And if you probed enough to find out if they might not really be trying to subvert our country, then you should be able to tell for each and every one of them whether they will share the hereafter with you. Are you ready? You will find the answers to each of these questions at the bottom of the post.

  1. If you don’t own a firearm, will St. Peter let you pass?
  2. We know that God frowns upon electric cars, but are there any Prius owners in Heaven?
  3. How many episodes of Tucker Carlson can you miss in a week and still get in to Heaven?
  4. If your gross annual family income is less than $100,000 it is a clear sign that you are not blessed by God. Does this also mean that you are condemned to eternal damnation?
  5. If you live in New York City, is it enough to call Sean Hannity your hero, or must you or an immediate family member also have contributed to Rudy Giuliani’s campaign when he was running for Mayor of the city?
  6. Some people might actually like broccoli. But if it is eaten with a meal that does not include beef, will Jesus forgive you?
  7. There are several things black people can do to get into Heaven. Which of these qualify:
    • Acknowledge that the Civil War was about States’ Rights, and not slavery
    • Appear behind Donald Trump on camera at one of his political rallies
    • Send your children to a mostly white, private Christian elementary school
    • Deny ever having heard a James Brown, Marvin Gaye, Snoop Dog, or Run-D.M.C. song
    • Assert publicly that welfare perpetuates poverty and a national healthcare program would encourage people to stay sick
  8. During an NFL time-out, can you momentarily switch channels to a soccer game and not incur God’s wrath?
  9. Can you get into Heaven if your neighbors have solar panels on their roof and you still talk to them?
  10. Is getting a college degree a mortal sin?

And here are the answers:

  1. If you don’t own a firearm, will St. Peter let you pass?
    • Recent court rulings have made it clear than owning a gun is a “God-given right!” Even though guns are an invention of modern history, and traditional Christianity is based on writings a thousand years old and older, we know now, based on teachers of the NRA, Southern Lawyers, Republican lawmakers, and Evangelical preachers, that these esteemed individuals have a direct line to the workings of God’s intentions. So, not only is owning a gun a “God-given right,” but to pass on this right is an affront to God’s wishes. Therefore, if you do not own a gun, you will not see eternal glory.
  2. We know that God frowns upon electric cars, but are there any Prius owners in Heaven?
    • Why would God have put petroleum in the ground if He did not want us to pump it out, refine it, and burn it as fuel? The sun is for tanning flesh, not making cars go or lighting our houses. There are no Tesla, Chevrolet Bolt, or Hyundai KONA owners in Heaven. However, when hybrid owners present at the Pearly Gates, assuming they qualify on all other grounds (which is rare), St. Peter flips a coin to determine admittance.
  3. How many episodes of Tucker Carlson can you miss in a week and still get in to Heaven?
    • Increasingly Tucker Carlson has God’s ear. But we know Tucker Carlson to be inconsistent, so this varies from week to week, depending upon Carlson’s mood and his relationship with God at the time. Is it one episode, or none? I would not take a chance. Play it safe, and never miss an episode.
  4. If your gross annual family income is less than $100,000 it is a clear sign that you are not blessed by God. Does this also mean that you are condemned to eternal damnation?
    • Clearly Jesus has had a change of heart when it comes to the poor. Forget that “eye-of-the-needle” nonsense. If you are not wealthy, especially in America, your hell on Earth will continue on into Hell in the afterlife.
  5. If you live in New York City, is it enough to call Sean Hannity your hero, or must you or an immediate family member also have contributed to Rudy Giuliani’s campaign when he was running for Mayor of the city?
    • Both conditions must be met.
  6. Some people might actually like broccoli. But if it is eaten with a meal that does not include beef, will Jesus forgive you?
    • Jesus forgives those who hunt deer, elk, caribou, bear, moose, javelina, and other forms of large game for their primary source of meat. Domestic fowl and small game birds and mammals, as well as fish, do not count. Keep in mind also that hunters who are unlucky in their quest to “bag” something must pray for success. And if they pray for success but still do not kill any big game, then God is fucking with them. He is, of course, in control and enjoys frustrating you from time to time. If this happens, and you won’t know if it did, maybe you’ll be forced to eat broccoli without meat, but you won’t know if it’s your fault or a divine joke. Remember, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Can you still get into Heaven? Wait and see.
  7. There are several things black people can do to get into Heaven. Which of these qualify:
    • Acknowledge that the Civil War was about States’ Rights, and not slavery
      • Of course
    • Appear behind Donald Trump on camera at one of his political rallies
      • By all means
    • Send your children to a mostly white, private Christian elementary school
      • No. What do you expect to achieve by educating your children in the first place?
    • Deny ever having heard a James Brown, Marvin Gaye, Snoop Dog, or Run-D.M.C. song
      • No. He’ll know you’re lying
    • Assert publicly that welfare perpetuates poverty and a national healthcare program would encourage people to stay sick
      • That’s the ticket
  8. During an NFL time-out, can you momentarily switch channels to a soccer game and not incur God’s wrath?
    • This depends on the teams you switch from and switch to. God will never forgive the 49ers, so you can turn them off any time. In fact, you are already in his bad graces for watching them in the first place. Like our founding fathers, Walter Camp was in direct contact with God when he developed the first rules of football, and God does not like sports that compete with it. But, he kind of winks, knowing that Texas has Major League Soccer teams in Dallas and Houston. But if you should happen to switch to a televised soccer game from England or Mexico (football and futbol, respectively), you would be instantly condemned to Hell.
  9. Can you get into Heaven if your neighbors have solar panels on their roof and you still talk to them?
    • There are only a few topics that would be acceptable in this case. You could tell them that climate change is a hoax, that Donald Trump was the real victor in 2020, that the sun’s purpose was to tan skin and not to produce electricity, that you value horsepower over fuel economy, that you use your AR-15 as a handle for your dust mop, and that any sperm that leaves the male body but does not find an ovum with which to unite is murder. Should you say anything suggesting that you regard this neighbor as a reasonable human being would be to condemn your soul.
  10. Is getting a college degree a mortal sin?
    • Higher education in and of itself is not a sin, depending upon the institution and the nature of the curriculum. In choosing a school, first look to the results of the previous football season. Jesus shows his colors during college football, as coaches and players know, and that’s why so many pray for success on the gridiron. But Jesus has his favorites. First, choose a winning football program if you want to pick a college. Second, pick a school that has “Christian” in its name. It’s hard to go wrong there, but some might have deceptive, liberal, humanistic tendencies. Do your research and stay away from these. Third, find schools associated with Evangelical leaders who endorse Donald Trump and who, in turn, Donald Trump endorses. You can be sure that both the Heavenly Father and his only begotten Son are on board with these guys. Avoid any school that includes “technology” in its name, has a medical school associated with it, or is located north of the Mason-Dixon line. Most universities in the south that have law schools are all right.

So, let us know how the people you shared Thanksgiving dinner with did. How many can you safely say now are going to Hell? Of the ones you told to go to Hell that day, how many times were you right? What about your kids? Do you have them in line? It might not be too late if they don’t meet these criteria. Like I said at the top, we can be sure you are Heaven bound, or you would not be reading this post, but what about your friends? What about the people you work with? What about your spouse or the person you date? Now you have the tools to be sure you are associating with the right people. Question number 11 doesn’t appear in the quiz and doesn’t have an answer, but if you are close to someone who is going to Hell, are you going with them?